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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24378451">The Clown Car</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeShadow_01/pseuds/TimeShadow_01'>TimeShadow_01</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Wizarding World of Wilford Warfstache [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>jacksepticeye, kickthepj, natewantstobattle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Police, Alternate Universe - Wizards, Bar fights, Gen, Magical Pranks as a Defense</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:21:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,859</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24378451</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeShadow_01/pseuds/TimeShadow_01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Side Story #1</p><p>A day in the life of Wiggles the Clown, the owner of the wizarding bar The Clown Car.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Wizarding World of Wilford Warfstache [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1758817</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Clown Car</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>10:45 am</strong>
</p><p>It was a sunny Thursday morning. Wiggles strolled down the city sidewalk, hands shoved into his suit pockets, whistling a silly little tune to liven up his walk to work. The song was something that reminded him of his time as an actual humor wizard, spending his days cracking jokes and playing harmless pranks. But, after a hundred years or so, the routine had become boring to him; the jokes began to feel stale and setting up pranks became a chore. So he had decided it was time to move on to something new.</p><p>The retired clown halted his stroll to gaze at his current pride and joy. Before him was an old train car with chipped yellow paint, silver accents gleaming in the morning sunlight. Above the door was a pink neon sign that read “The Clown Car”. It didn’t look like much, but this tiny bar was a wizard hotspot. Its unassuming appearance and proximity to several Wizard Committee buildings made it ideal for wizards of all kinds looking for a place to unwind.</p><p>He pulled out a ring of keys and padded up the short silver steps. A small bell jingled as he walked into the train car, signaling the start of another typical day.</p><p>
  <strong>11:00 am</strong>
</p><p>Wiggles glanced around at the bar, a smile crossing his pale face at the familiar scene. The room was narrow, but comfortable. To one side of the room a row of metal tables and chairs upholstered with dark blue rubber sat beneath the windows. The sight conjured memories of a diner straight out of the 50s. To the other side a long bar of dark wood stretched the length of the room, similar blue bar stools in slight disarray from the night before standing in front of it. A collection of bottles filled with colorful, fizzing liquid lined the shelves behind the bar. Of course, these were all just enchanted to look like magical booze; the real stuff was locked safely away in a cabinet under the bar.</p><p>The light pink walls were decorated with framed photos of clowns, though none of Wiggles himself. Any photos of him in his heyday were safely stored away from the public eye at his home. Instead, these were photos of his fellow humor wizards, his friends still in the clowning business. They didn’t see each other often, but they met up once a year at a sacred gathering known as the Clown Convention. Also adorning the wall was a cork board that Wiggles called “the Shame Board”, which proudly displayed polaroids of people who started bar fights for all to see.</p><p>After taking in the room, Wiggles checked his watch. 11 o'clock on the dot. It was an hour before the bar would be open to the public, and he had work to do. He was the only one who worked here, so it was up to him to clean the entire bar on his own. He didn’t mind it though, he found these first couple hours by himself to be peaceful. The calm before the storm, so to speak.</p><p>
  <strong>12:00 pm</strong>
</p><p>After he finished all of his morning chores, Wiggles walked over to the door and flipped a switch, turning on the small neon “open” sign. He walked behind the bar and pulled a rag from out of thin air. One of the unseen benefits of humor magic was the ability to summon small props from his very own pocket dimension. Although the bar was open, it tended to stay empty this early in the day, especially during the week. So, he took this time to clean out some glasses he hadn’t gotten to yet.</p><p>The bell over the door jingled, disrupting the silence of the room. Wiggles looked up from his glass to see a familiar, friendly face.</p><p>“Hello, Wiggles!” the mundane greeted with a warm smile, taking a seat at the bar in front of him.</p><p>“Heya, Peej,” Wiggles nodded, putting the glass down and starting on a new glass. PJ stopped in every day on his lunch break to say hello. While he wasn’t normally one for small talk, the clown cherished these little visits from his friend. PJ was just a mundane, but somewhere along the way he’d discovered the wizarding world and managed to win the heart of every single wizard he met.</p><p>“How are you this lovely morning?”</p><p>“Oh, you know,” Wiggles said, shrugging. “Same old, same old. How about you?”</p><p>“I’m doing really well. Today has been very good so far. I saw a dog on my walk to work this morning!”</p><p>“A dog?” Wiggles ducked under the bar to put away all the now clean glasses. “That’s nice.”</p><p>PJ’s smile fell suddenly, and he leaned forward over the bar. “You really should get someone to help around here. You can’t just do all this work by yourself.”</p><p>“I can and I will,” Wiggles huffed, cursing as he bumped his head on the underside of the counter.</p><p>“I’m just saying, it’s got to be stressful running this place on your own. You should hire someone, or get an apprentice. You know I’m willing to help if you-”</p><p>“No,” Wiggles popped up from behind the bar, narrowly avoiding clocking PJ in the face. “No, no, no, no, no, no. I would rather die. I don’t need any help. I’ve run this place on my own for 30 years, and that isn’t going to change any time soon.”</p><p>“If you say so,” PJ laughed. “You really are a stubborn old man.”</p><p>“You know it,” Wiggles chuckled. He leaned forward on the bar. “Thanks for worrying about me, Peej, but I’m fine. I mean it. I like working alone.”</p><p>“If you say so,” he placed a hand on the clown’s shoulder. “I’m just glad you’re doing what makes you happy.” He gave a wide smile, stealing a glance down at Wiggles’ watch. “Oh shoot! I have to get going.” He stood up and walked across the room.</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Wiggles waved.</p><p>“See you then,” PJ stopped at the door and waved back. “Have a good day!”</p><p>“You too, buddy.”</p><p>
  <strong>2:00 pm</strong>
</p><p>The early afternoon, as usual, was uneventful for this day of the week. A few people came and went, ordering small drinks without incident. At one point a couple of teenagers with fake IDs tried to come in, only to get hit in the face with a spray of ink the moment they opened the door. Another benefit of being a humor wizard, prank magic was an effective deterrent to any punks trying to cause trouble.</p><p>The place was filled to the brim with these hidden pranks. If anyone but Wiggles took a bottle of liquor from behind the bar, they’d be greeted with an explosion of confetti. If someone went into the back storage room without permission, a bucket of water would fall from out of nowhere and drench them. A pie to the face and a few strategically placed marbles worked as a surefire way to keep people from leaving the bar without paying their bill. Wiggles had to run this whole place by himself, and these simple magic traps were just a way to help him manage it all.</p><p>
  <strong>5:00 pm</strong>
</p><p>The day had been pretty peaceful thus far. A few patrons came in and out, and Wiggles had a satisfied grin on his face. That is until he checked his watch.</p><p>“Oh no,” he muttered. “Can it be five o'clock already?”</p><p>And as if on cue, a dozen or so members of the Crime Department burst in through the door. They were engaged in a bout of loud conversations, harshing the otherwise peaceful mellow of the room. They all crowded around the bar, immediately firing off drink orders.</p><p>“One at a time! I tell you this every damn day!” Wiggles hated when the detectives came in for happy hour. Well, he hated when one detective in particular came in for happy hour.</p><p>“Come on, Wiggles,” said Mare, a malicious smirk on his face as he leaned on the bar. “We’re just happy to be here!”</p><p>“Yeah, sure, whatever.” The clown was already behind the bar, fixing the drink orders. The detective went back to the story he was telling when he sat down.</p><p>“So as I was saying, I got assigned this simple case, track down this corrupt wizard who’s been on the run since the Dark Ages.” Mare spoke loudly, so everyone in the small bar could hear him. “Eventually I find him holed in some shabby apartment, rough him up a bit, and take him into custody. Do you know how long it took me to do it? Four hours, and then I caught two more just like him later that day.” He took a swig from the bottle Wiggles set down in front of him.</p><p>“I’m the best damn detective in this department!” Mare continued. “I’ve caught more criminals and corrupt wizards than anyone else! And how do they reward me? By giving the Wizard Committee’s most important case to some rookie!” The other officers let out a collective groan. Mare complained about this all the time, to the point where some of them could mimic his rant word for word.</p><p>“Hey now,” Jackie chimed in. He was the only one in the group who wasn’t drinking, and he kept a patient smile as Mare ranted to the group. “I think Dark’s doing a very good job.”</p><p>“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Mare spat. “They’re incompetent! They’ve never even gotten close to catching that time freak! I swear, if I was assigned that case, Warfstache would already be rotting in a cell!”</p><p>“Anyways…” Jackie could feel the emotion of the room getting tense, between Mare’s growing anger and the discomfort of those listening in. Wiggles watched with amusement as he tried to defuse the angry music wizard. “Isn’t it lovely out today? It’s been so rainy lately.”</p><p>“Don’t change the subject, Jackie.” Mare was still angry. “I’ve never let a criminal get away, and they’ve managed to lose the one case they’re assigned every time they get close!”</p><p>“I wouldn’t say never,” Lila, an interning officer with purple hair, giggled.  </p><p>“Yeah, didn’t you let Marvin the Magnificent get away?” Harvey, the officer next to her, chimed in.</p><p>“I- I didn’t let him get away!” Mare stammered, face briefly flushing red. “I’ve told you a million times, he was gone by the time I got there!” He slammed his bottle onto the bar. “Besides, it’s not like any of you have done any better! At least I got close!” Several of the officers looked down sheepishly, trying to hide their red faces. Mare smirked confidently, all smugness quickly returning as he took a long drink from his bottle.</p><p>The group began chatting idly after a moment of silence had passed. Mare, apparently satisfied he was right, enjoyed the rest of his drink while Jackie patiently listened to him ramble and brag about the criminals he’d caught that day.</p><p>Wiggles relaxed, and let his mind wander as he refilled patrons drinks and fixed new orders. Despite the general rowdiness of the Crime Department crowd, he was grateful for their patronage. They kept the old clown on his toes, and the drama they brought with them never failed to amuse him.</p><p>Suddenly, Wiggles was startled out of his thoughts by a loud crash!, and several shocked gasps and shouts. Wiggles turned to see Jackie quietly yet forcefully holding Mare back from a stunned wizard lying on the ground. The officer was holding his nose, and when he moved his hand away, a few drops of blood came with it.</p><p>“Let me go, Jackie!” Mare roared, struggling against Jackie’s arms wrapped around him, lifting the music wizard slightly off the ground. Mare was still glaring at the officer he’d hit, who was wide-eyed with shock. “I’m gonna teach this damn idiot a lesson!”</p><p>“Mare-” Jackie attempted to speak, but the furious wizard in his arms cut him off.</p><p>“How dare he compare me to him!?” Mare spat, finally managing to push Jackie off of him. The wizards around them gave the furious detective a wide berth as he stormed over to the officer still on the ground. Mare easily picked the officer up by the throat, blue-gray sparks dancing around his fingers</p><p>Wiggles attempted to get closer to the pair so he could stop the fight, but they were quickly circled, cutting the bar owner off. There was no way he would be able to get a clear spell shot at the two without hitting some innocent bystanders. His usual quick fix of slapping a pair of trick handcuffs on the fighters was useless. He could only watch through the crowd and hope they didn’t do too much damage to the bar or each other.</p><p>“I am not my brother,” Mare growled. Wiggles flinched as he heard the sound of a man struggling to breathe. There was a murmur at one end of the crowd, and Wiggles could just make out Jackie attempting to push through the circle. “Don’t you dare speak his name around me, ever! I AM NOT A CRIMINAL.”</p><p>“Mare, please!” Jackie’s voice cried out from somewhere in the crowd, slightly muffled but becoming clear as he pushed into the center. “Let him go, Mare. He’s learned his lesson.”</p><p>Mare glared at Jackie, then back at the officer, who managed to nod, despite his face turning a nasty shade of blue. Mare scowled and dropped the wizard, who collapsed on the floor, coughing and gasping for breath.</p><p>“Whatever, I’m leaving,” Mare grumbled. He spun on his heels, coat swirling behind him as the crowd parted around him. Wiggles was about to yell after him when Jackie held up a hand.</p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I’ll pay for his drink.” Wiggles grumbled and nodded. He had been really looking forward to Mare falling for one of his prank traps, especially after pulling a stunt like that.</p><p>The rest of the officers at the bar eventually settled back to their own conversations, swapping stories of cases and petty workplace gossip. Wiggles hardly paid attention to all of it, he was never one to pry into the lives of others. It was none of his business, after all.</p><p>
  <strong>7:00 pm</strong>
</p><p>The last of the officers stumbled out of the bar, shuffled along by a laughing, yet tired looking Jackie. By now, a steady stream of customers came in, groups crowding around tables for a night of fun. Wiggles was just handing glasses of bubbling purple liquor to a pair of giggling soul wizards when he noticed one of his regulars taking a seat at the bar. He glanced over his shoulder, then held up his hand as a half-hearted greeting.</p><p>Henrik used to come there every day of the week, but in recent years his time spent there was sporadic. He would disappear for weeks before reappearing in the bar stool with the same sad, empty look in his eyes. Wiggles was never quite sure why he always looked so down every time he returned to the bar. From their brief interactions, he could discern that Henrik only came here to drown out the guilt of past mistakes in the noise and liquor. Whatever Henrik did, it was none of Wiggle’s business. He simply nodded at him and went to pour his usual glass of schnapps.</p><p>
  <strong>9:00 pm</strong>
</p><p>The bar was packed now, and the lone doctor quickly became lost among the cacophonous drone of voices and music. Wiggles was occupied with the crowd, a constant string of quick paced exchanges of drinks and cash. As he looked out at the crowded room, he couldn’t help but remark at it.</p><p>The place was entirely occupied by wizards, an incredible sight for even the most world-weary to behold. In no other group could one see such a remarkable display of colorful hair and mismatched clothing. Each with their own unique powers to behold, stories to tell, wisdom to share. However, the wonder of such an odd collection of people could quickly wear off once you realized that with it came a complete mess of problems.</p><p>With this many wizards in one room, things often became chaotic. From soul wizards shooting off sparks of colorful magic in hopes of impressing other patrons, to mind wizards getting into increasingly heated debates on obscure topics, to the occasional time wizard falling through a sparking, bubbling portal from 1942 just to grab a martini. And among the chaos there was always someone trying to cause trouble.</p><p>Wiggles was taking a brief moment to catch his breath when he spotted an explosion of confetti erupt across the bar. He walked over to find a soul wizard leaning over the bar, an expensive bottle of champagne in hand. He waved the confetti from his face.</p><p>“What the hell was that?” He seemed more surprised than angry.</p><p>“Bababooey! You’ve been clown cursed!” Wiggles ripped the bottle out of his hand. “Now get out.”</p><p>The soul wizard opened his mouth to argue, but stormed off with a huff instead. Wiggles sighed to himself, “I swear, some people… hey! You stop that!”</p><p>He stowed the bottle away before running after a pair of life wizards trying to make wildflowers grow through cracks in the floor. Never a dull moment in a bar full of wizards.</p><p>
  <strong>11:00 pm</strong>
</p><p>It was getting late. Patrons were finishing their drinks, leaving to go home for work in the morning. Henrik was still at the bar, downing yet another glass of schnapps. He propped his head up with an arm, swaying back and forth in his seat.</p><p>“Another,” he muttered, his voice slurring and accent heavy.</p><p>“Sorry, doc,” Wiggles took the empty glass from him with a heavy sigh. “I’m cutting you off.”</p><p>“I’m fine,” the doctor hiccuped. He reached out and grabbed the bartender’s coat, looking up with pleading eyes. “I’m fine, I promise.” He groaned and let his head fall forward onto the bar.</p><p>“You are definitely not fine.” Wiggles turned and pulled out his phone. He hated when it got to this point, when a patron drank themselves into a stupor and he had to call their emergency contact. Fortunately, he already knew Henrik’s.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Jackie arrived a few minutes after Wiggles called him. He burst through the door, breathing heavily. He must have ran all the way there when he got the call. His eyes landed on Henrik, slumped over the bar and muttering something in German. Jackie calmly walked over and took the seat next to him.</p><p>“Henrik,” he spoke gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. “C'mon, Henrik. Wake up, it’s time to go home.” He stirred, lifting his head slightly to see Jackie.</p><p>“What’re you doing here…” he slurred, squinting as he tried to focus his vision. “You’re not… supposed to be here.”</p><p>“I’m here to take you home.” Jackie glanced over at Wiggles, who decided to busy himself with a dirty glass to avoid intervening with the bittersweet moment. “Come on, it’s time to go.”</p><p>“I’m fine, I can walk home on my own,” Henrik moved to stand, only to stumble forward. He gripped the bar for support, and fell back onto the bar stool. He put his head in his hands, and began mumbling again. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“It’s alright,” Jackie hooked an arm around Henrik’s waist and gently helped him to his feet. He pulled one of Henrik’s arms over his shoulder to steady him. He turned him towards the door, taking it slowly as the drunk doctor struggled to maintain his balance. Jackie looked over his shoulder to the bar. “Thanks for calling me.”</p><p>“Anytime,” Wiggles waved his hand and leaned forward onto the bar. “You two get home safe.”</p><p>“Good night, Wiggles.” And with that, Jackie and Henrik left the bar.</p><p>
  <strong>2:00 am</strong>
</p><p>It was an hour before closing time. Wiggles busied himself with cleaning the mess left behind by another successful day. He moved between the tables picking up glasses and bottles left behind by uncaring patrons. After the hectic night running the crowded bar alone, he was lucky to finally be alone. Well, almost alone.</p><p>A man sat at the back corner of the bar, silently sipping a glass of whiskey. He came into the bar often, always late at night when it was empty. He kept his head low as he drank, a feeble attempt at hiding his gaunt features. He wore a black overcoat and a scarf no matter the weather outside, and a dark pair of shades covered his eyes. Wiggles was never quite certain, but he could’ve sworn he saw a faint bloodstain on the scarf. He never asked about it though, it was none of his business.</p><p>The man hardly spoke, but he was a good listener. Over the years, Wiggles had developed a habit of talking to himself when he was alone at night, mainly to complain about rowdy customers during the day. When the man showed up, it was too late to break the habit. So now he found himself holding a one sided conversation with a stranger, as if they were old friends.</p><p>”… and that Mare! I thought his brother was bad, but this guy’s a real piece of work. He thinks because he’s some hotshot detective he can just waltz in here and do whatever he wants! One of these days I’ll show him!“ Wiggles snickered, picking up a few stray bottles and disposing them into a bin. “Oh, and the doc came in today.” The man perked up for a moment before quickly hunching over again. Wiggles continued, “Yeah, old Schnapps-lestien was back. Haven’t seen him in a few weeks. Poor sap drank himself into a stupor again, I had to call the tall one to carry him home.” He shook his head. At that, the man across the bar abruptly stood up, placing a few crumpled bills on the bar next to his half-finished whiskey. He quickly exited the bar without so much as a wave.</p><p>“Well see ya,” Wiggles said to the closed door. “I guess.”</p><p>
  <strong>3:00 am</strong>
</p><p>Wiggles found himself in the comforting silence of an empty bar yet again. The room was prepped for tomorrow, the last of the empty bottles cleaned up and every surface wiped down. He walked over to the door, flipping the switch to turn off the neon “open” sign. He opened the door and stepped out onto the short, silver steps, the jingle of the bell signalling the end of a successful business day.</p><p>He stepped out onto the pavement, putting his key ring in the pocket of his jacket. The street was just as silent as the bar, only the sound of distant cars and a light breeze could be heard. He whistled a silly little tune to lighten up the lonesome walk home. He only had a few hours to sleep before he had to get up for another busy day at the Clown Car.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed! Come join us on Tumblr at https://wwoww-au.tumblr.com/ or on Discord at https://discord.gg/4VgYQsw to check out more content!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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